Monthly Archives: May 2010

The Hefty Pricetag on Free Lovin’- Promiscuous Girls

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Why on God’s Earth are STD infection rates increasing when condoms are everywhere?!  People are divorcing at all time highs, and pop culture loves a good ditty about group sex (see Britney Spears Three or Usher’s Lil Freak) while monogamy or common sense has taken a back seat to gettin’ it on. Everyone from hoochies on the corner to news anchors use the word baby daddy as freely as any other, and the shame people- women in particular used to feel about expressing sexual desires and spilling sexual deets has been replaced with boasting, pride, and unapologetically going for theirs. The glamorous life of bed hoppin’ and nut guzzling is certainly brought crashing down to reality when the fruits of heaux labor are harvested in life.

People haaaate pyramid schemes, but always seem to forget that once you crack the cookie jar, you are effectively having sex with everybody your partner has. These numbers add up quicker than any multi level marketing program you have ever seen. Instead of viewing our bodies as temples, we allow them to get looted like an electronic store during the L.A Riots. Women that aren’t even gay are having sex with other women not because they are bicurious, but to please their male partners. Women have began to equate their worth with their pussies. Has music brainwashed us all? Do we all really think that sex is this consequence free, hook up that means nothing after the fact? Not including the physical risks of promiscuous behavior, the personal emotional effects of heauxisms are reputation ruining and promote a false identity as to who we really are. What are you really saying about yourself with dicks in your mouth just for the hell of it? Are we really so bored with life that sex is all there is to do with somebody anybody?

Groupies are famous, mistresses are infamous. In the times of worldwide instant communication, the attention hungry whore that can’t get featured on Perez will take starring on your video phone. She will even pop up on Facebook- ass and titties first hoping to get even more attention from horndogs, male or female. The party girl image has caught on like wildfire as even middle school girls are down for whatever. We can stock our stores with condoms, teach our kids about abstinence or not, but the truth is until we figure out why any attention is good attention we won’t ever scratch the surface of the epidemic sex obsession in America. It can’t be the people are fucking like rabbits just because sex feels good.

We as a culture have abused the sacred act of sex. Maybe because so many American children (male and female) are sexually abused. Innocent childhood curiosity has morphed into a race into who can be the grownest the soonest. Adults are guilty as hell of encouraging their kids into grown up behavior. It’s almost as if we are passing on our abuse a perverted rite of passage. Adults are not always emotionally equipped or physically prepared for the consequences of sex and there is no way teenagers are. We can’t stop teenagers from having sex, but to turn a blind out to it is almost as bad as the abuse itself.

The reasons people choose to have sex is the problem we as a society must tackle. Do we have sex because we are horny, or like someone, love someone, or just to feel attention and affection? Has our microwaved society zapped love into moments of one on one attention that feeds the ego and not the soul? We are so out of touch with our authentic selves that we no longer respect our intuition or our conscious. Thinking about the crazy story you are going to tell your friends, and giving the best head has taken precedence over what you are doing to yourself.  Men and women that are having sex for conquest are acting out insecurities, inadequacies, and are doing everything to run from the ugliness that they feel inside when no one else is around. You aren’t showing your independence, you are waving a flag of desperation on the S.S. Pathetic. The thing is, no one can save you from yourself.

Catch a Glimpse of the QUEEN

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The most fabulous diva of all time, the original boss bitch Diana Ross has announced her summer tour dates and is receiving raving reviews, flexing her musical Muscles, spreading Baby Love all over the country. Her set features gorgeous sequins, a 16 piece orchestra, Michael Jackson and Marvin Gaye tributes, as well as turning the crowd Upside Down with her whispery yet majestic voice and style. Originally scheduled for 17 dates, make sure you have a seat to view gaze Reflections of the best that ever did it.

Fatassery + Starvation- An Eating Intervention

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Jessica Simpson, one of MANY Mrs. She’s Too Big, Now She’s Too Thins….. 

The DisInformation Age we live in isn’t very kind to the big gurls, or even the skinny bitches. Big Gurls think that once they’ve reached that fantasy size that all of their problems will magically disappear, and the skinny bitches believe their biggest nightmare is becoming two tons o’ fun. Health is a distant afterthought in this quest for physical perfection as perception takes the top prize in the contest of self-love and positive self-esteem. 

FALSE PERCEPTION #1- Only Fat Girls Pig Out 

This is completely false. Many of the skinny bitches big gurls hate for being thin are starving, and purging themselves to be the size that they currently are. These girls are chewing food and spitting it out without swallowing, laxative lovers, crash dieters, and will do any crazy idea ANYONE comes up with to stay perfectly thin. If you are abusing your body to maintain being a size 4, is that worth it? Instead of binging and doing whatever the hell it is destructive to keep yourself thin, why aren’t you working so hard in discovering why you can’t/aren’t eating healthy? 

FALSE PERCEPTION #2- Big Gurls are Lazy 

Honestly lots of these women are simply busy, and haven’t figured out how eating a healthy diet can be fit into our get up, go to work, go home, go to bed American society. Fast food coincides with our instant fix now culture and is loaded with food that is fat ass friendly and addictive. Americans have taken the Fat Assery Crown as we weigh more than our foreign counterparts, and it is no coincidence that us good ol Americans have the longest work schedules in the free world. While our foreign friends have time to ride their bikes to work, prepare meals at home with their families, and take their time to eat, we are rushed because Uncle Sam wants ALLL his money and his minions working hard as possible to keep the ship afloat. If you have an eight-hour work day, an hour lunch, and a commute to work, you basically spend twelve hours a day slaving to the clock. Add eight hours to sleep per night, you have about four hours per day to actually LIVE. Henceforth eating in the car, eating whatever in super large portions, and talking to yourself like shit for not hitting the gym. 

Why are we eating bullshit? The easy answer is because it is readily and easily available, but it’s really more complex than that. It’s also easy to blame fast food which is like the get away driver in the fat ass crime follies. The real and deeper answer to this question is tied directly to our self-esteem and what we feel we deserve for ourselves. We eat to congratulate ourselves, we eat to punish ourselves. We eat because we’re bored, we eat because we are overwhelmed. We also eat for emotional comfort. We beast food because subconsciously we are attempting to fill some sort of hole in our hearts and souls. Food is like the mean girl in high school that wants to be your friend one day and is a total bitch the next. Just like the mean girl, food is NOT your friend. Food is a substance that is required to sustain proper nourishment of your body. Skinny bitches may be control freaks that often control their weight because they can not control other issues in their lives. Big gurls may over eat because they feel so out of control. Either way, our food issues are tied to an emotional need, shame, or compulsion.

Our current culture of fatassery has its roots deep in our American ancestors lives. People descended from African slaves were given every single part of the repulsive pig to eat and survive off of after a hard day’s of honest work on the plantation. After the Great Depression, nothing said I’m Rich Beyotch like a refrigerator full of steak, pork chops, and chicken. We have been conditioned to eat till nothing is left and food is sign of abundance and prosperity. With all the technology and air and sea travel in 2010, isn’t it ironic how people are starving in Third World countries, and our fat asses are gorging ourselves to death and feeling emotional ties to food? A sustenance? 

We have learned fat is ugly. Ironically, this is direct contradiction to the cultural value we place on food. This is when that ever-present guilt trip about food is born. We are decidedly taught conflicting and confusing messages about food which is why most of us have a piss poor relationship with food. We are supposed to eat in abundance, yet eating like this makes you fat, and fat is ugly. Coupling that with the higher costs associated with healthier food, it gives us little incentive to want to change the way we eat. So we eat and eat and grow fatter asses in addition to growing to hate ourselves, or we eat and don’t eat in a cycle of shame, fearing the fat ass that we could become. Many become dieting lifers, yo yoing up and down due to external cultural and internal emotional issues.  Forget the food itself is usually the fattest assed food we can find, food is the accepted drug of the culture we are born in although gaining weight is something to be ashamed of. 

KFC's Doubledown Sandwich

Michelle Obama has the big ass task of saving America’s fat ass children from a life of Lane Bryant, diabetes, gallstones, and high blood pressure. Each of us has the responsibility to unlearn the disinformation and crazy cultural hand me downs America and our families have given us. We must figure out for ourselves why we are eating out of emotions and we should ask ourselves the question is this an emotional eating moment? every time we eat. While we are busy demanding McDonalds for better alternatives, we must take the time out to prepare and/or seek out healthy food. Giving companies money who’s profits are tied directly to you being the best and most loyal fat ass you can be is not the answer. Since us Americans do not believe in protests, we must boycott shit that isn’t good for us, plain and simple. We must stop judging our big gurl counterparts because they are part of the same machine that the dying to be skinny are. Skinny isn’t always healthy, so don’t always assume these skinny bitches are the epitome of good health. Stop finger-pointing and throw the bad shit out (or find out how you can ship that shit to Africa) and eat when you are hungry and eat to sustain your health. That is all. Really. Eat when you are hungry and eat to sustain your health, ONLY, and exercise. Being at your personal best and fit isn’t some magical size that will save your life, make you happy and make all your problems disappear, but it will make you healthy. And great health is wealth.

In the Company of Misery…

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Some people choose not to be happy. They walk around thinking everyone owes them something instead of them making their own way for themselves. They whine at everything like a spoiled only child as if grown people don’t have their own priorities. Whether they are old friends, family or coworkers these people make dealing with them as pleasant as a pap smear as we feel obligated to cater to their swinging moods because of our seemingly unbreakable bonds. But when bonds become bondage we must learn to let go of people who no matter what are never happy in their own lives.

There is never a time where everybody gets along all the time. However, when people choose to blatantly use the victim card in every situation that doesn’t pan out to their liking we must invoke our right to walk away from the situation for our own personal sanity. Miserable people think positive self-confidence and awareness is a threat to their comfortable misery. They can’t understand how people can be carefree and happy while being single, or unrich. These people think that money will solve all their problems but refuse to look at their half empty philosophy as the culprit of their discontent. If you aren’t at this person’s beck and call you have abandoned them. They have found stability in the unstable and love to have drama in their lives to explain to other miserables why their lives are so unfair. Often these people knowingly place themselves in hazardous situations only to act oblivious when the shit hits the fan. They hate to accept blame for the misery they cause themselves because to change their disposition would be an order to tall for les miserables to complete. The victim mentality doesn’t stop there as they get offended by text messages instead of phone calls, get pissed if you don’t respond to their incessant bitching, or feel slighted if you won’t wave the victim flag alongside them. In long-term relationships, this person is not only frightened of your perceived evolution, but angry at you for even expressing and pursuing your desires for happiness. They don’t get why you don’t want to lay around just as miserable as they are. Confused by their own insecurities they love to tell you you think you’re too good because they have grown to look at themselves in such dim lighting. Paying this person a compliment is a waste of air as they are so jaded they don’t even know how to accept positivity. Day in and out interactions with this person can become as tricky and deadly as walking thru a minefield.

Life does not have to be a battlefield. When your allies begin to behave like enemies you don’t have to choose to fight. It isn’t your job to uplift people that love living low. Although it may hurt to leave behind a relationship, there is never anything profitable gained from dimming your shine just to appease others. These people won’t ever be happy because finding faults in everything and being hypersensitive is their happiness, whether they know it  or not. Peace of mind and clarity outweigh any bondage to a relationship because at the very end of the day, we are only responsible for ourselves. If you are always finding yourselves on pins and needles with your friends it’s time to get new friends. If your family is obsessively miserable, phase out your time and especially your expectations for them to change. Stop trying to figure out how to make this person happy.  You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. Love them from a distance and keep your peace and serenity.

I bid you adieu,

Beauty and the Beast??

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No matter the princess, the list is still the same. He should be tall, dark, and most importantly HANDSOME. Just like men want the most gorgeous girl on their arm, women are pressured to seek the most attractive man and make him her own. Competing for his attention is often part of the allure, as lots of women tend to have eyes for the one that all of the girls cream their panties for in their dreams. Having the finest boy can be the biggest headache because he knows he is just as fine as you and a million other girls think he is. Just as hard as it is for you to say no to a pretty face, it’s waaay harder for him. What if looks weren’t the first quality that you looked for in a man? What if looks didn’t play a part in the equation at all?

Every woman has been faced with the choice to date a mud duck not so attractive man. Ugly boys usually have to work way harder for your attention and time than the pretty ones do, IF they can even get it at all. In his crooked smile and fish eyed stare he sees you as the gift from the Adonis gods that beat him with the ugly stick as a sacrifice. It would make his world to pull a pretty woman, because ever since he was a little boy, he’s been reminded over and over how aesthetically challenged he is. He’s watched as his pretty boy counterparts have had their pick of the girls, while he’s stuck trying to be the a good student or the best athlete he can be. Only then do any girls pay any attention to him, but as soon as the beautiful one looks her way, she’s forgotten that ol’ wilderbeast not so cute exists.

In any relationship, the first thing you should see is the person’s soul. Even if he looks like Dennis Rodman and Beetlejuice’s love child, if he treats you like a Queen should his looks automatically rule him out? One of the most happiest women in the world (by all outside appearances) is Beyonce Knowles Carter. Her husband, Jay Z, let’s face it ladies, ain’t no David Beckham. Not even by a long shot. Known as The Camel, Jay has traded in his player lifestyle for one woman who has chosen him although she could have chosen any man that she wants to.

A lover of pretty boys for many years, Janet Jackson traded in her usual Latin romance novel cover boys for a Papa Smurf man that probably had to pinch himself every morning he woke up next to her just to make sure he wasn’t still asleep in a dream.  Although not currently together, Jermaine was by Janet’s side at the untimely death of her brother, loved her through her not so skinny times, and even got a huge tat of Janet on his side. That’s devotion.

Showing that race doesn’t matter, repeat ugly lover offender Jennifer Lopez finally settled down with Skeletor Marc Anthony. Although he is far from a heart-throb, Jennifer discovered that old friend Master Splinter Marc had the same ideas about family, marriage, and career that she did. She saw the potential in building a relationship with someone who could provide her the sense of family that she had inside and be a father to children she couldn’t wait to bear.

It’s really easy to say that beautiful women pick ugly men because they are rich, or offer them a ticket to easy street by being taken care of. He must know in the back of his head how lucky he is to truly have a belle by his side. Just because a man is ugly doesn’t mean he will be faithful, honest, or forthright all the time. An ugly man isn’t guaranteed to be attentive, or interesting. But what if he is? What if his fugly face is just the shell of who he truly is on the inside? If he is never given a chance how will you ever know? We seldom ask ourselves how lucky beautiful women are to be with ugly men that worship the very ground they walk on.  Beauty is only skin deep and erodes over time, but a strong soul connection lasts a lifetime. Don’t let yours pass you by just because he’s no Gabriel Aubrey.