Lost Ones (Beautiful Nightmares)

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Each dream is different, but they are all relatively the same. It’s always us, laughs, our favorite songs, and everything simple we used to share. Maybe we’re out and about checking out our favorite band, or we’re alone sipping wine and I’m listening to you tell stories about your hometown, your experiences since leaving, or you’re just talking about your day. Last night, I think we were on a horseback ride, but as soon as the sun creeps on my face, and I’m conscious about what’s going on I wake up- snapping myself into the reality that you are gone forever.

It’s not that you’re dead because I know you’re not, though the ghosts of your presence in my life haunts me everyday. It’s funny that I don’t ever see you for the lying, shallow, federlinin’, selfish, insecure person that you are. I choose to recall the representative of you- the person that you sent instead of the authentic you. Your representative had all the perfect attributes of a dreamlover. Our chemistry was magical, you awakened things in me that were long dormant because of my tunnel vision GPS to success. Maybe, just maybe you were the special one that came down from Heaven to change my life.  

The dream world is always so kind to you. Reality isn’t. Waking up from the clutch you have on my unconscious mind always evokes anger in me, because I HATE that I LOVE you. I resent the weakness you have exposed that dwells inside of me. I am supposed to be strong, not some sucker for love- especially to the likes of you. Everytime I look into the eyes of a new suitor, my subconscious mind reminds of how they do not compare to you. The easy connection we shared has been exchanged for a parade of forced interactions cloaked with a smile and contrived interest all with the hopes of erasing you from my mind. I want to say that you’ve been expelled from my soul, from my heart and it’s just that old mind of mine playing tricks on me. I don’t really want you. I know what your presence brings to my life and I know you well enough to know what it will take away. Rationally I know it is an unfair exchange.

So I will hang out with my friends, tell them what’s on my mind and let the onslaught of anti-you talk commence. They will tell me how you don’t deserve me, how I can do better, and why we aren’t such the perfect match my dreams seem to insist that you are. They will remind me of your lies, the way you used me, and how unapologetically fake you are. My friends will make sure I remember every special thing I did for you, and how it was just piss in the wind as far as you are concerned. They will reiterate how giving I am, and how ungrateful you are. They wont let me forget the master manipulator and string puller you are behind that gorgeous skin and beautiful smile. They will wake me up from the fantasy world and remind me that YOU aren’t real.

You make me hate sleeping because no matter what I do I haven’t been quite able to elude you after all this time. You still run around giving me the time of my life, making me feel beautiful although you’ve checked out of my life a long time ago. I’ve asked you a million times to leave me alone, and ironically you haven’t. Thank Heavens I wont pass you in the street, or see you out at a club. In the real world, you can no longer hurt me. But somehow I know I will see you later on tonight, unfortunately in my nightmares.

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About queen4today

This is the story and observations of many Queens through the eyes of One. This isn't about overindulgence, it's about a desire for excellence. The best in life, and harmony in her home. Any woman that realizes her worth, potential, and promise at one time or another is a Queen. Life however, can be her beast, and although she may not always make the right choice, she survives, living it up every chance she gets.. :)

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