Your mother is the very first example a woman has in her life that influences what she wants to be and wants not to be. A mother’s mistakes are immortalized in our memories forever, and her positive attributes are tattooed inside our hearts as a testament of grace and kindness. To strive to be like your mother can be like aspiring to climb Mt. Everest and a simultaneous reminder of a living nightmare of what bad decisions or patterns will manifest in life. As adult women, we must ascertain which parts of an often prickly, intrusive relationship will push us to become the women we want to be without pissing off the person we want us to respect and love us the most.
She has an opinion on everything that you do. She hates your choice of mates, how you live your life, and how you raise your kids. Her advice is often abrasive and unsolicited. She’s known you longer than anybody, yet understands you the least. Not only that, when you’re wearing that extra ten pounds her face appears in the mirror everyday when you put on your make up as a memento for your thoughts. What we often forget is that just as we see her in us, she sees herself in you. Your dreams may be echoes of her stalled ambitions, and footprints of where she once walked. Her bitching wisdom is her form of preventive medication. She doesn’t want you to dream too big- not because she doesn’t want you happy, but because she doesn’t want to see you hurt. Since you were born she was mandated to protect you from the big, bad, cold world, now that you’re an adult that does not stop now. Mothers nestle into the role of being control freaks since they are saddled with the responsibility of child rearing, working, and playing Superwoman 24-7. Watching you make what she perceives to be mistakes is internal torture to her. Why can’t you just dress/act/live like the way she wants you to?
Our genetics and environment have a lot to do with making us who we are, however we choose what we are to be. Shunning your mother’s advice in her eyes is shunning her and who she is. She resents that you go out of your way to not be like her. She believes that you are being hard-headed in direct contrast of her opinions just to spite her, and not because you want to live your own life. Motherhood is a life long work in progress, and for you to go against what she has taught you or wishes for you is an insult to her parenting skills. It is very important to her what other people think about you because you are a reflection of her. It is difficult for her to accept you because you being your own person translates to her that you do not accept her, or what she did for you was not good enough. As adult women, it is essential that we validate our mothers and learn to be the understanding, unconditional loving person we wish she could be.
Just like we shake off words from haters, the painful things your mother may say to you in the heat of battle must be shaken off as well. Despite her Mommy Dearest tendencies, there is nothing on Earth more important to her than her children. Her tactics, just like her, are not perfect. How unfair is it to hang your mother from the highest tree for hurling insults when we forgive our friends and lovers for worse offenses? Daughters often feel that mothers that disagree with them are no longer in their corner and banish them to oblivion for what Mommy said or didn’t say. Adapting a filtering ear to funnel thru her obvious emo reaction is a better alternative than creating more tension by fueling her fire. If certain topics tend to send her down Pissed Off Parkway, avoid these topics. Take time to find out who your mother is an adult woman and make your time with her about her life and her interests instead of the All About You show. Stop blaming her for who she is, and allow her bossy, nosy true nature to shine thru. All women want to feel appreciated, and if they do not Hell hath no fury. Discover new and interesting things about her, and transfer your feelings of never being able to make her happy into doting on her. Women love attention.
Face the fact that you may never have the relationship with your mother that you want to, but that’s why God gave us friends, aunts, sisters, and grandmas. Just because Mom isn’t down with your fuckery the way you live your life doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. At some point we must become adults and accept her for her imperfections as we would want her to do for us. The Mother-Daughter dynamic doesn’t have to be a love/hate rollercoaster if you choose to unass yourself from the front row seat. Be the person to her that you wish she was for you. It’s said that it is hard to teach an old dog new tricks, so sometimes you have to let a bitch be a bitch. The only person you can control is yourself. Act with omniscient understanding and grace. Be honorable and respectful to your mother. Give her space and when she vents, just move the phone away from your ear if you are not trying to hear what she has to say. Just remember lots of times she’s been there and done that and you may be missing out on some good game.