Tag Archives: humility

The Anatomy of An Affair..

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Right there below physical abuse, the most heinous betrayal in an intimate relationship is infidelity. Finding out your partner is looser than the nickel slots at Hollywood Casino is shocking, numbing, and all consuming. The lies, twists of truth, and deception by omission can make life feel the biggest falsest show on earth. The elaborate ruse that cheating makes a person’s life somehow bends reality to no end. When someone decides the attention and affection they require is worth more to them than honesty or monogamy they have ultimately made the choice for their mate by their actions. The cheater who wants you back is saying “I love you, but I love me more. I have shown you you can’t trust me, but forget all that and worry about making me happy some more.” The key word for a cheater is more, as they are attention addicts who will always try their luck if the opportunity arises.

It’s not me, it’s you!!!

This cheater doesn’t understand or want to understand your feelings because it shifts the focus from them onto you. Surely, this cheater upon discovery will cry, and even become more angry than you are. There is only so much repentance this type of person has because their ego has already justified that their action was warranted or not that big of a deal. Guilt is an emotion for the weak, and this person will never admit more than you already know, and wouldn’t have volunteered info if you didn’t already know. Just like Kujo the guard dog, this person wants to followed blindly and will bite from time to time. They get agitated when asked to explain themselves because this is a delicate time for them emotionally and you keep fucking stressing them out!! The issue shifts from their infidelity to your inability to be openminded and your determination to hurt them. Voila, magic. That is truly some David Blaine shit.

Freakum Dress Out The Closet…??

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The basic bitch easiest thing to do is plow yourself with alcohol, head to the bar and find some other hurting soul to act out your fantasies of paying back your cheater. Bringing someone else into this messy situation is not okay just because you are hurting. Putting yourself out there for revenge will not change the fact your mate was unfaithful. There’s no country for thirsty women and this act of defiance ends up being rather pathetic. Instead of playing Beyonce’s fab album getting dressed to go out why not let it be the soundtrack on the treadmill ? Why not be inspired by Beyonce’s art to create art of your own? Ladies our desires are more than romantic and sexual. Channeling cheated on angst in a constructive manner will be better in the long run. Desperado, why won’t you come to your senses!?

But my family will miss you if you don’t….

Cheater’s mamas like EVERYBODY, FYI. The families of cheaters have been used to the parade of penis/pussy in and out their lives since the cheater’s high school days. They won’t shed any tears over you, and will shake the hand of the next one, the last one, and all the ones in between, all on the same day, almost at the same damn time. Please don’t think because this lady cooked a meal for you while you were at her house or gave you a little trinket that she has some emotional tie to you. It’s all part of the game!! You didn’t really think that you were part of the family did you?

Relationships are never easy, as good things rarely come easy. Waking up knowing your life is a lie and finding out your mate is pulling the strings is hurtful and scary. Remembering the only person’s actions you can control are your own is the only sane way to deal with the pain of infidelity. The assault on your femininity, your trust, and your worthiness as a mate can’t come from within. The cheater’s shortcomings don’t dictate who you are ever. If the pain isn’t used as fuel to make yourself better you are being just as toxic to yourself as the cheater is. Now please excuse me as I run on the treadmill to Jealous by Beyonce, prepare a bubble bath, chill this presecco, and get on with my life.

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IceBox Slim – The Valentine’s Day Manifesto

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I think there is an icebox where my heart used to be.

A year ago, I was in a fairy tale. I was set to release my first novel, and in love with my first love after a seven year break. I could not believe my life. I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t in a dream. It was as if the gods of Love, reconciliation, and karma had brought my life full circle. People were telling me they could sense a change in me, how I seemed more at peace.

As the buying public gave my novel a resounding “sit your ass down!!” and the “love” of my life kissed me off with all the detachment and mixed messages of a Deadbeat Daddy, I sit in the corporate offices that drove me to become an artist. The office beaucracy is a far cry from my simple bohemian artist life. Not used to using the standard PC scrolly mouse in favor of the MacBook 1 click, I checked a box on a spreadsheet I shouldn’t have. One of the managers tore into me for making such a huge mistake, and my mother is upset with me for being upset with myself for not achieving my personal goals to my satisfaction.

So there lies my poor heart. Once a boiling cauldron, now an icy igloo. I’ve been taught the lesson not to trust ANYONE so many times I’d RATHER spend my personal time alone. The worst betrayals are always the most intimate. The risks I couldn’t seem to be complete without taking have crashed and burned my once open heart and fiery spirit. So I can’t control if the book buying public will buy my book, nor can i control who wants to be in or out my life, or who chooses to judge me by impossible standards.

I dotted away the last trace of tears from my eyes, careful not smudge my MACnificient eyes. I’ll think about how Prince Charming is romancing another woman, be alone with my thoughts, and later be alone with some personal merriment. Perhaps I’ve spread so much of myself that I forgot to leave some left for me? It’s quite a peculiar thing to feel your heart do the reverse Grinch, instead of growing two sizes bigger, my heart is shrinking. Good riddance. It hurts way too much when you care so much.

The GREATEST Love of All

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There is no shortage of commentary about how talented, yet flawed Whitney Elizabeth Houston was. Every new story echoes Whitney’s greatness, and somehow points out her substance addiction- perhaps an attempt to dim the light of her brilliant radiance. Rumors, lies, and half truths swirled around her in life, and inevitably follow her in death. Despite all of the back handed compliments and condemnations of Whitney, her essence and life should permeate us all into a greater understanding of self.

 

Whitney was gifted. It was an absolute no brainer that the tall and gorgeous Whitney Houston was unlike anyone who had ever graced our radios & TV screens. No one was as naturally beautiful with the soprano pipes Whitney had, even as a teenager. In another world, Whitney who famously mentored and mothered up and coming musicians, would have been a vision in Versace couture teaching Tyra Banks to man up against Naomi Campbell and showing her how to work her awkwardness. Whitney told the modeling world no, & Arista’s CEO Clive Davis yes and singlehandedly transformed the face of popular music. As Madonna pushed her sexuality and Janet flirted between sassy and political consciousness, Whitney simply exuded the type of glamor usually reserved for Fairy godmothers and princesses from Disney movies. Whitney’s vocals had the soul of old ladies in the front row of Grandma’s church, matched with the power and control of a seasoned opera chanteuse. Somewhere between jaw dropping amazing and striking beauty was the woman, who’s gifts were perhaps so effortless she may have not known the true value of them herself.

the FIRST Black Woman to Make the Cover of SEVENTEEN Magazine was... That's right Whitney

 

Clive Davis knew the value. Whitney’s songs made him a very rich man, Her catalog, loaded with hit records solidified Davis’ legacy as a  great eye for female powerhouse talents like Janis Joplin, Phylis Hyman, and Whitney’s Auntie Re Re, (we mortals would call her The Queen of Soul) With Whitney Houston more than most contemporary artists the technique and polish of her vocals turned great songs into modern day classic standard, after modern day classic standard. No one could sing a song like Whitney Houston.  She is the bar, bar none.  All anyone would have to do is Wiki her and go to her Vevo channel to see for themselves. Whitney who was too proud to use Auto Tune and sing over recorded vocals during performances in later career, and the press never seemed to let Whitney live it down. She came from a different era of authenticity. She always wanted to come from an authentic place and connect with her audience, so even when Whitney shouldn’t have sang, she sang. But to remember Whitney Houston in that way is like remembering Michael Jordan as a Washington Wizard. Is Elvis not the King of Rock n Roll?  Whitney just has a 20 plus year career of creating pop and American music history while being the definition by every future and current diva is measured to, while never portraying the image of sexpot to do so.

 

No one is perfect, and no one understands what motivates another to do what they do. We can’t even understand our own actions at times.  Also to whom much is given, much is tested. No one can imagine Whitney’s tests, I am just thankful that I was around to witness her gifts. There are so many lessons we could learn from Whitney’s life. I think above all things she’d wish for us to LOVE- ourselves.  She’d tell us to cherish that which makes us who we individually are. When I’m at moments of confusion in my life, after praying and thinking, I will think about Whitney Houston, and what my Fairy Godmother would think is best. My tribute to her will not just be support of her music, it will appear in the decisions that lead the direction of my life.  She will be my reminder despite being a giving person, being a talented person, being a beautiful person, never to lose myself in any of those things. Whitney will remind me to hold on to myself before any of the attributes that make me who I am. She will remind me, in the end no matter how many people good or bad pop into our lives, we are on our own.  Whitney Elizabeth Houston will be with me to remind me of personal greatness, and a personal commitment to always show love, especially to myself.

 

 

 

 

Beyonce & Tina Knowles Hit The View

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Beyonce discusses her general bad assery in all things and her mama Tina’s new line Ms Tina hitting the hangers in Wal Marts all over the United States on The View. Bey also dishes on her curves, being a chick who doesn’t cook or clean, but dresses her ass off and her walk being mean and wearing FOUR PAIRS OF PANTY HOSE to hold everything in on stage. #mentalnote

Never Too Fine: You TOO Can Get Replaced

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If you are in a marriage or even a relationship, the chances of its failure are almost as sure as an Alaskan deer shootin’, abstinence in school preaching with pregnant teens at home hillbilly fame whore’s chances of winning the presidency of the United States (#pause).  Eva Longoria, (on the heels of Courtney Cox) is the latest celeb wife to find her husband’s fidelity is as false as the hair on her pretty little head. Message boards lit up with comments on how a man could ever cheat on a woman so beautiful, citing Janet Jackson and Halle Berry as fine stepped out on chicas with dufus dudes. The often too forgotten fact here is that beauty is only skin deep. Not to ever blame a woman for her husband’s double dipping, her looks only can’t be the honey that compels her mate to stick by her side.

Beautiful women come a dime a dozen. Short ones, tall ones, thick ones, and thin ones, in complexions of all colors with as many flavors as Baskin Robbins. The over emphasis on a female’s aesthetic appearance reinforces a faulty sense of security in relationships. Your beauty is often your mates ego boost, so choosing partners with shallowish tendencies can push you off the deep end in more ways than one. Men hate the length of time it takes to procure gorgeousness, as well as sneer at the prices it costs to maintain it. The scarves, rollers, tshirts and jogging pants night time garb makes your guy want to toss his cookies more than toss your salad. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. The most naive thing to think is that perpetrators  who dabble in affairs of the heart, body, and mind correlates with the physical attributes of their boos. Affairs and cheating are based on a lack of emotional understanding, intimacy, and/or trust in the solidarity of a relationship. Any cheater is acting out “is she really the one” when they choose to stick their straws in a foreign juice box. Cheating isn’t your relationship’s death sentence, but it surely reveals your bond needs urgent care. The bottom line is a truly devoted person would rather leave an orgy with Angelina Jolie, Megan Fox, and Meagan Good with a hard on to come home to you. Affairs aren’t always about sex, and cheaters often release their frustrations and bottled up resentment towards their women on a random or steady bust down. More or less, cheating is an expression of being unfullfilled, and unsure about a current relationship (or oneself), even if your mate doesn’t want to throw deuces to your union. To simply think because the mirror reflects a goddess doesn’t mean that your relationship is incapable of failing. Relationships, like anything else worth having require work, growth, and attention. Slipping on any of those points might have you hawking the diamond you once showed off to your single friends, some of whom can’t wait to slurp up sloppy seconds. Please do yourself a favor and be discerning on who you chose to dish deets about your boo to. Don’t be foolish enough to think your guy doesn’t sense the unquenchable thirst of these broads today. Even women in seemingly happy relationships are taking what they can get on the side. Remember, a lot of  people’s allegiance is to their animal instincts, not your wittle feelings.

If you are one of the millions that gets cheated on, it isn’t your fault. Don’t waste your time comparing your looks to your mate’s squeeze. Physical appearance is a moot point when there are much bigger issues in the relationship and with yourself to handle. Of course its comforting to rank your looks higher than the lurid other woman’s, but does it really matter if she’s smashing your man too? Discover, celebrate, and revere other beautiful things about yourself other than infallible dime-pieceness, because pretty faces are all around us. If your value in a relationship is based on being eye candy, prepare to get eaten up in a world full of hungry eyes.

Teflon Dawn: Unbreakable

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Teflon is a non stick chemical that despite heat, withstands its integrity. During my personal process of becoming heat has burned treasured relationships into crisps of nothing, attempted to toast my state of mind, and overcooked the recipe of understanding, empathy, and support I formerly held in the highest esteem. I discovered many of the relationships I held in high regard were some people’s means to an end, or just affiliations others could use to advance themselves. I’ve been attacked, lied on, shut down, used, conveniently misunderstood, and yet the onslaught has not scorched my pride, my heart, or my spirit. In fact it has made it stronger.

 

As a writer, we have the task of observing and interpreting things on levels other people rarely experience. We seek what drives certain actions, behaviors, and thought processes. We want to know the whys and the hows. We are typically sensitive. My sensitivity has been both my saving grace and what people have chosen to damn me by. My vulnerability has fueled my curiosity and been the blade people closest to me have shoved into my back with the same hands they once embraced me with. However instead of distrusting people, I have learned to trust myself. I have learned to respect myself for the principles and perspective I have. The rosy colored contacts I chose to view people with are now off and have been replaced with the all assuring presence of my intuition, and the laser vision of a realist. I finally understand people can’t be taken at their word, nor do they always mean what they say even in times of what they think is honesty. Each word I ever chose to share with any living being can simply be reloaded as ammunition used to kill my pride, spirit, and understanding. Being made of teflon the shots slide off me eventually, but I always look at the shooter in shock that of all people it would be the ones I helped the most that would try to murder who I am. When I needed a hand up, people kicked me when I was down. This is when I understood I’d have to lean on a Greater understanding just to stand back up.

Everybody dies alone. Living does not have to be that way though. Despite our needs for love, companionship, and understanding, there is nothing like being your own best friend, your own family, and your own coach. Encourage yourself, empower yourself, and be your own cheerleader. Most of the people we look at to inspire us and understand us are not what we think they are at all. People lie to themselves so much and each mirror is clouded with so much smoke people can’t even see who they are anymore. But that doesn’t have to be my fate. My need for love, family, and friendship will not overcome the need of me loving and always being there for myself ever again. When the frying pan hits the fire, I am so grateful that the residue does not have to stay with me, and after the intense heat and pressure I am still whole.

 

…After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you’re wrong
‘Cause if it wasn’t for all that you tried to do
I wouldn’t know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you…

Fighter- Christina Aguilera 2002

 

 

What Happened To The Feminists In Music?

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…Hormones racin’ at the speed of light,

But that don’t mean it’s gonna be tonight

baby, baby….

Genie In A Bottle – Christina Aguilera, 1999

…I’m dancing alot and I’m taking shots I’m feeling fine

I’m kissing all the boys and the girls

Someone call the doctor cause I lost my mind…

Not Myself Tonight – Christina Aguilera 2010

At its basic definition, feminism represents equality and fair representation for women. Long fought battles in the 1960’s and 1970’s took women out of the kitchens and bedrooms and into the boardrooms of America, setting precedence for the rest of the World to follow. Women have always been portrayed as submissive and super horny in the media, and in music in particular. The 1980’s and 1990’s saw a wave women singing and rhyming about self-control and safe sex, while still maintaining undeniable party and radio friendly vibes. The stories they told were thought-provoking interpretations of a world that wanted to relegate them to the backseat instead of driver’s seat. Their strength was their convictions, and the added sexual element was the icing on the cake and not the batter from which the cake was made. Along the way, all that feminism was morphed into women somehow becoming mini men- hard liquor drinkin’, one night stand cruisin’ self serving righteous gluttonists. At its core feminism is the FREEDOM of being whatever you want to be, but the current state of music begs the question, what is it that women want to be?

Image is everything. Hip Hop music specifically, has maintained a love-hate relationship with female rappers. MC Lyte’s talent made her one of the boys and Queen Latifah’s non wavering Ladies First attitude made them both household names, even as platinum plaques eluded them. Salt N Pepa talked about sex, and TLC never left home without the Trojan man. Rappers like Yo Yo and Nicki D wrote narratives about how lacking self-control can put you into jams with careless punks. These women were always aware that their personal conduct had to be different from men because they were women. Da Brat’s platinum success was not so much based on a feminine stance, but because of undeniable skill. Women rappers began stealing the show from the men as Lil Kim, Missy ‘Misdemeanor’ Elliot, Foxy Brown, and Lauryn Hill routinely outshined the male counterparts they were paired with. These mid 90’s rappers were the golden era of women in hip hop, diversifying what the young female experience was about in even more profound detail. They were able to merge Salt N Pepa’s femininity with MC Lyte’s lyrical prowess into a hybrid of new female emcee. No matter the story told, it was absolutely female. Then blatant sexual overtones and carefreeness somehow began to overshadow the genre all together. Now it seems the only thing the female rapper has to offer is blow jobs for shots at the club.

Pop music used to be sprinkled with sexual innuendo, carefully blended with coy tongue in cheekness and hypnotic grooves. Janet Jackson, the underrated queen of pop music launched her Rhythm Nation in 1989, calling for unity, peace, and understanding. The ambitious record was Janet’s most commercially successful album, bringing topics like education, racism, and sexuality to the forefront. There was deliberate consciousness to confront ignorance and violence in Rhythm Nation 1814, the most fitting follow-up to the pro woman stance of her Control masterpiece. Madonna coupled her Like A Virgin antics with the pro-choice anthem Papa Don’t Preach, showing a more complete picture of what the modern woman’s life was really like.  Mariah Carey was then known for powerhouse singing instead of ass and titty bearing. The evolution of artists like Christina Aguilera went from sugary pop flirtations into full-blown dirty limericks. Christina’s signature song Beautiful, started a trend of female pop singers singing deeply personal records as Pink sang about abuse and depression. The trend the Beautiful started quickly evaporated, as Beyonce and Destiny’s Child were left as the sole bearers of feminine substance, singing about being independent women, not being Federlined in the hit Bills, Bills, Bills and embracing their curves with Bootylicious. Very few female artists could maintain visibility and talk about female issues on such a grand scale since the hey day of these artists, as once again the sexual overtones and blatant objectification ran all the positivity out of pop music. Classic tales like Unpretty and Waterfalls by TLC have been replaced with songs about kissing girls, Daisy Dukes and bikinis, and brushing your teeth with Jack Daniels. By the way, these songs were recorded by women.

It is a slippery slope to define women singing about sex as unfeminist. Women CONSTANTLY singing about sex is unfeminist. The current state of women in music is appalling as even talented women that sing about love like Corrine Bailey Rae can barely chart, let alone women who take on the subject matter of feminism. Women have allowed their place in music to be in the bedroom and the club instead of the minds and souls of their listeners. I can definitively say if I didn’t grow up in the 1990’s with TLC, Janet Jackson, Salt N Pepa, Lauryn Hill and many other female representers I would not be the woman I am today. Although these artists have integrated sex in their music, they have always exacted balance on what they represent. Will we look back on this era of female music as the exploitation era? I wonder what the culture of Ke$has, Mileys, Nickis, and Katys will breed in the young women of America. I hope they realize the world is watching.

History hidden from me
To hide my identity
So I’d never feel
I am somebody
You’ve gouged my eyes
I see more clearly
You’ve tried to rub me of my humanity
My spirit you tried to break
My soul you tried to take
There’s no need to be afraid
“Cause I won’t do unto you now
Amen
All that we’ve been through
Our time has come to rejoice
A new agenda’s due
Amen
It’s time to know the truth
Our time has come to rejoice
A new agenda’s due
Because of my gender
I’ve heard “no” too many times
Because of my race
I’ve heard “no” to many times
But with every “no” I grow in strength
That is why
African American women
I stand tall with pride
You want to know what it takes
To rid yourself of me now
There’s nothing you can do
Accept me for who I am now..

New Agenda – Janet Jackson From the Janet Album, 1993