Tag Archives: relationships

Nothing Can Come Between Us- The Affection of a Capricorn

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….A Capricorn woman neither falls in love at first sight, nor wastes time on mindless flirtations. Love is serious stuff and should not to be trifled with. She believes in love, but she will have no truck with fate. Ever convinced of her own abilities, she takes matters of the heart into her own hands, though it may be awhile before she makes her move. Observant and discriminating, she spends some time to get to know her partner, and will usually allow herself to fall in love completely when all the outcomes have been considered. Sometimes, however, she is taken off guard, and emotions overcome her…

Capricorn Woman in Love – Cafe Astrology

I learned love from the earthy, pragmatic spirit of Capricorn women. Their aura of coolness often coupled with their blunt, carefully crafted persona of mystery and strength was always in direct opposite of my fiery, emotions on my sleeve Leo attitude. A Capricorn woman could be miserable, lonely, lost and U.O.E.N.O!! A Capricorn woman would never put her vulnerability or shortcomings out for the world to pick at like left over Chinese food, or would she? Although each woman is unique our experiences are shared and sometimes the only person who gets you is somebody who you’ve never spoken to and wouldn’t know you from a can of paint. Enter Helen Folasade Adu. The woman who gets me more than anyone else.

Reeling from a breakup that tugs at the pit of my soul, or being so lost in love that I’d never want to find my way out, there always was the music of Sade setting the backdrop for my desires, my weaknesses, and my fears. No one could tell the story of what it was like to be alone in the world wondering why yet carrying on, being wounded yet still alive like she has. Sade sings the songs of the broken spirited with so much enchantment that hollow souls somehow warm with smoldering presence even if they never see the spark of the flame. Perhaps the alchemy of the Capricorn woman, even Sade’s love songs have an air of the melancholy. She could give you the “Kiss of Life” and leave you longing forever.

The lyrics of her songs sometimes don’t rhyme. Sade’s words sound as if she’s in the studio with her diary flipping back and forth through finding the most raw of her feelings to bellow out for the world. Her band Sweetback melts their bass heavy percussion into each song and somehow always reminded me of a heartbeat. The moments in my life where love has almost stopped my heart from beating, Sade was my defribulator. When life sucked the air out of my lungs, Sade breathed for me. When the great loves of my life shut the door in my face, Sade was in the hallway with the Kleenex. Sade showed me there was always strength there- even when she and I seemed hopeless. Despite the quest that life and love took me on, the Capricorn woman taught me to be authentic to my soul.

Happy Birthday to my mother, my best friend, and the fabulous, airy, hopeless romantic Sade!! So opposite of me in so many ways these three women know my soul as if it’s my reflection they see in the mirror. I only hope to learn to apply grace in my vulnerability like they have.

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The Anatomy of An Affair..

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Right there below physical abuse, the most heinous betrayal in an intimate relationship is infidelity. Finding out your partner is looser than the nickel slots at Hollywood Casino is shocking, numbing, and all consuming. The lies, twists of truth, and deception by omission can make life feel the biggest falsest show on earth. The elaborate ruse that cheating makes a person’s life somehow bends reality to no end. When someone decides the attention and affection they require is worth more to them than honesty or monogamy they have ultimately made the choice for their mate by their actions. The cheater who wants you back is saying “I love you, but I love me more. I have shown you you can’t trust me, but forget all that and worry about making me happy some more.” The key word for a cheater is more, as they are attention addicts who will always try their luck if the opportunity arises.

It’s not me, it’s you!!!

This cheater doesn’t understand or want to understand your feelings because it shifts the focus from them onto you. Surely, this cheater upon discovery will cry, and even become more angry than you are. There is only so much repentance this type of person has because their ego has already justified that their action was warranted or not that big of a deal. Guilt is an emotion for the weak, and this person will never admit more than you already know, and wouldn’t have volunteered info if you didn’t already know. Just like Kujo the guard dog, this person wants to followed blindly and will bite from time to time. They get agitated when asked to explain themselves because this is a delicate time for them emotionally and you keep fucking stressing them out!! The issue shifts from their infidelity to your inability to be openminded and your determination to hurt them. Voila, magic. That is truly some David Blaine shit.

Freakum Dress Out The Closet…??

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The basic bitch easiest thing to do is plow yourself with alcohol, head to the bar and find some other hurting soul to act out your fantasies of paying back your cheater. Bringing someone else into this messy situation is not okay just because you are hurting. Putting yourself out there for revenge will not change the fact your mate was unfaithful. There’s no country for thirsty women and this act of defiance ends up being rather pathetic. Instead of playing Beyonce’s fab album getting dressed to go out why not let it be the soundtrack on the treadmill ? Why not be inspired by Beyonce’s art to create art of your own? Ladies our desires are more than romantic and sexual. Channeling cheated on angst in a constructive manner will be better in the long run. Desperado, why won’t you come to your senses!?

But my family will miss you if you don’t….

Cheater’s mamas like EVERYBODY, FYI. The families of cheaters have been used to the parade of penis/pussy in and out their lives since the cheater’s high school days. They won’t shed any tears over you, and will shake the hand of the next one, the last one, and all the ones in between, all on the same day, almost at the same damn time. Please don’t think because this lady cooked a meal for you while you were at her house or gave you a little trinket that she has some emotional tie to you. It’s all part of the game!! You didn’t really think that you were part of the family did you?

Relationships are never easy, as good things rarely come easy. Waking up knowing your life is a lie and finding out your mate is pulling the strings is hurtful and scary. Remembering the only person’s actions you can control are your own is the only sane way to deal with the pain of infidelity. The assault on your femininity, your trust, and your worthiness as a mate can’t come from within. The cheater’s shortcomings don’t dictate who you are ever. If the pain isn’t used as fuel to make yourself better you are being just as toxic to yourself as the cheater is. Now please excuse me as I run on the treadmill to Jealous by Beyonce, prepare a bubble bath, chill this presecco, and get on with my life.

IceBox Slim – The Valentine’s Day Manifesto

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I think there is an icebox where my heart used to be.

A year ago, I was in a fairy tale. I was set to release my first novel, and in love with my first love after a seven year break. I could not believe my life. I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t in a dream. It was as if the gods of Love, reconciliation, and karma had brought my life full circle. People were telling me they could sense a change in me, how I seemed more at peace.

As the buying public gave my novel a resounding “sit your ass down!!” and the “love” of my life kissed me off with all the detachment and mixed messages of a Deadbeat Daddy, I sit in the corporate offices that drove me to become an artist. The office beaucracy is a far cry from my simple bohemian artist life. Not used to using the standard PC scrolly mouse in favor of the MacBook 1 click, I checked a box on a spreadsheet I shouldn’t have. One of the managers tore into me for making such a huge mistake, and my mother is upset with me for being upset with myself for not achieving my personal goals to my satisfaction.

So there lies my poor heart. Once a boiling cauldron, now an icy igloo. I’ve been taught the lesson not to trust ANYONE so many times I’d RATHER spend my personal time alone. The worst betrayals are always the most intimate. The risks I couldn’t seem to be complete without taking have crashed and burned my once open heart and fiery spirit. So I can’t control if the book buying public will buy my book, nor can i control who wants to be in or out my life, or who chooses to judge me by impossible standards.

I dotted away the last trace of tears from my eyes, careful not smudge my MACnificient eyes. I’ll think about how Prince Charming is romancing another woman, be alone with my thoughts, and later be alone with some personal merriment. Perhaps I’ve spread so much of myself that I forgot to leave some left for me? It’s quite a peculiar thing to feel your heart do the reverse Grinch, instead of growing two sizes bigger, my heart is shrinking. Good riddance. It hurts way too much when you care so much.

Catching The One Who Got Away….

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There is always that ONE. The one we tend to see unexpectedly in our dreams, who leaps over into our thoughts, and inspires us to gaze at the pretty portrait of a memory in the gallery of our minds until a “mess” becomes a Monet. In time, wine, and new new (you KNOW what “new new” is!!) the poignant picture our past boos painted in our heads dulls and living takes over. Life’s routines and experiences replace the longing for the proverbial old flame. But true to The Notebook, Letters To Juliet, and Friday the 13th  fashion that old thing comes back. Words of wISdumb like “if you love something let it go, and if it’s yours it’ll come back to you” dance around in your head like Swayze did Baby!!

What fairy tale indoctrinated, Prince Charming chasing, love starved, horoscope reading, star crossed, past reconcilin’ woman in her right mind would say no to that? NOT ONE. But that is precisely the problem.

We all live in the now, and not in our past. However each moment we have lived has led us to where we are in the present. The present moment dictates our future. Not one of these three things are independent of each other as the past fuels the choices we make in our present, as the  present  becomes the past. The past and the present SHOULD build off each other, since inevitably they do anyway. The future itself is inevitably going to become the past as well. Nothing can ever be undone from the past. No amount of compensation could ever undo painful or incomplete experiences from the past. It cannot be ressurected. The past is etched, yet the story of the future is unwritten.  Why junk up the book of your life with someone who thought they could do better than you, let you go and since deciding they are so fucked up and down on their luck NOW the ONE person who would take pity on their sorry ass is YOU? Is this really a romantic scenario? Is scrubbing up some jerk who shows up like an abused puppy

help please!!

on your doorstep pleading for mercy, forgiveness, and understanding (AND pussy) truly destiny? Isn’t Prince Charming supposed to be strong, considerate to no end, and confident on a white horse- not this beggin’ broken boy instead *adelevoice*?? Why does the old flame come back always needing and never giving?  Raise your hand if your old flame came back after they went away, gained knowledge about the world to share with you, got rich, worked so hard until they could sweep you off your feet just to retire with you to a bungalow in Barbados but first they have to give you this five carat ring to show how much they’ve changed ? More than likely the old flame returns after being spurned by a woman who obviously has more damn sense than your sucker for love ass. Clap for your pride, self esteem and good sense, it has left the building.

Who Should You Shoot Down?

Truth is the satisfaction of seeing the crook that stole your heart come before the parole board of your judgment squirming for your favor should be enough. How can any self respecting woman choose a “future” with someone who has previously exhibited such serious choice issues? Rejection is often the Universe’s way of protecting you from yourself. The one who got away LEFT. HELLO!? The one who got away told you no over and over as you cried and begged please have a heart, but now your heart has to open up like Houston for Hurricane Katrina victims for them? NO FEMA!!  Changing over time is a personal choice, and a person whose earned reputation precedes them should be looked at with a scrutinizing eye, not one of compassion. Being willing to be a halfway house for smooth criminals as they transition back into their old swagger could get you shot right in your soul, again.

Lot’s Wife turned to salt for trying to encase a memory of her past into her present and future. There is no need to look back on disaster when an unwritten future is ahead. Your experiences are for teaching, not for repeating, NOT FOR REPEATING, NOT FOR REPEATING. If you learned anything, you would have learned all the time, love, attention, and affection you gave that old flame who burned you would have best served to save yourself. But you didn’t learn did you….??

Besides…

Fantasia: Affairs, Suicide Attempts, Abortions, & The Culture Of Sharing

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So Fantasia, a rags to riches pop star, has decided to come clean about some pretty “dirty” things. After a summer of cringe worthy admissions to a dalliance with a married NFL player, (whose wife decided to sue her for adultery) and a hospitalization for a suicide attempt, Fantasia comes back for more disclosing her rewards card at Planned Parenthood also got punched during her time of Kurt Cobainity. Already a serial talk show couch sitter, and reality tv star who in her short career has acted in her own biographical Lifetime movie, Fantasia is the anti Beyonce who can’t seem to tell us enough about her private life.  We know Fantasia was an illiterate drop out, a rape victim, and lived in poverty until she struck it rich and moved on up Beverly Hillbilly style with her country klan. But do we know too much about Fantasia? And are her bombshell confessions just a ploy to push her super stardom even further into the stratosphere? Or maybe this is ‘Tasia Mae’s way of saying she is just like us….??

Twitter and Facebook, even the monolithic Myspace and Blackplanet got our culture reallly comfortable shooting off our most random thoughts and even secrets. In our strive to stand out, a greater need to relate and be of the people has been fostered. Most of us feel bonded to others by our experiences and we look for insight and comfort in the arms of the ones who’ve been through similar ordeals as us. There is something cathartic about a good ol’ fashioned public confession. Is it the way we cleanse and punish ourselves simultaneously? Perhaps we are publicly shaming ourselves not to necessarily share our experiences but to embarrass ourselves before other people can do it. Fantasia’s concessions of spending most her live living in a Precious Paradise, as well as taking the notoriously head hung low role of Ciely in The Color Purple, can’t help but propel the shame spiral Fantasia seems to be obsessed with. We’ve seen our culture switch quickly from being hush hush about molestation to thousands of men admitting their childhood rapings because of Tyler Perry’s trip to the Oprah Show. In the midst of saving lives and raising awareness, the innocent are revictimized again reliving horrific incidents they’ve blocked out- comforted in the fact they are not alone.

So what’s Fantasia’s motivation? Only she knows, but her story isn’t too unfamiliar as detractors shake their head in disbelief and her fans push her to remember that they love to talk about her voice too. Reality isn’t reality when we chose to focus on the worst of our lives, it becomes a drawn out Tyler Perry movie. Finding someone close to you that you genuinely relate to is a daunting task, so its understandable why we cast our nets out in cyberspace hoping to hook a friend. Maybe Fantasia wants more fan mail, maybe she wants to be a champion of adversity, maybe she wants to sell records. I’m sure she will sit down with someone and let us know where she’s at.

Never Too Fine: You TOO Can Get Replaced

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If you are in a marriage or even a relationship, the chances of its failure are almost as sure as an Alaskan deer shootin’, abstinence in school preaching with pregnant teens at home hillbilly fame whore’s chances of winning the presidency of the United States (#pause).  Eva Longoria, (on the heels of Courtney Cox) is the latest celeb wife to find her husband’s fidelity is as false as the hair on her pretty little head. Message boards lit up with comments on how a man could ever cheat on a woman so beautiful, citing Janet Jackson and Halle Berry as fine stepped out on chicas with dufus dudes. The often too forgotten fact here is that beauty is only skin deep. Not to ever blame a woman for her husband’s double dipping, her looks only can’t be the honey that compels her mate to stick by her side.

Beautiful women come a dime a dozen. Short ones, tall ones, thick ones, and thin ones, in complexions of all colors with as many flavors as Baskin Robbins. The over emphasis on a female’s aesthetic appearance reinforces a faulty sense of security in relationships. Your beauty is often your mates ego boost, so choosing partners with shallowish tendencies can push you off the deep end in more ways than one. Men hate the length of time it takes to procure gorgeousness, as well as sneer at the prices it costs to maintain it. The scarves, rollers, tshirts and jogging pants night time garb makes your guy want to toss his cookies more than toss your salad. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. The most naive thing to think is that perpetrators  who dabble in affairs of the heart, body, and mind correlates with the physical attributes of their boos. Affairs and cheating are based on a lack of emotional understanding, intimacy, and/or trust in the solidarity of a relationship. Any cheater is acting out “is she really the one” when they choose to stick their straws in a foreign juice box. Cheating isn’t your relationship’s death sentence, but it surely reveals your bond needs urgent care. The bottom line is a truly devoted person would rather leave an orgy with Angelina Jolie, Megan Fox, and Meagan Good with a hard on to come home to you. Affairs aren’t always about sex, and cheaters often release their frustrations and bottled up resentment towards their women on a random or steady bust down. More or less, cheating is an expression of being unfullfilled, and unsure about a current relationship (or oneself), even if your mate doesn’t want to throw deuces to your union. To simply think because the mirror reflects a goddess doesn’t mean that your relationship is incapable of failing. Relationships, like anything else worth having require work, growth, and attention. Slipping on any of those points might have you hawking the diamond you once showed off to your single friends, some of whom can’t wait to slurp up sloppy seconds. Please do yourself a favor and be discerning on who you chose to dish deets about your boo to. Don’t be foolish enough to think your guy doesn’t sense the unquenchable thirst of these broads today. Even women in seemingly happy relationships are taking what they can get on the side. Remember, a lot of  people’s allegiance is to their animal instincts, not your wittle feelings.

If you are one of the millions that gets cheated on, it isn’t your fault. Don’t waste your time comparing your looks to your mate’s squeeze. Physical appearance is a moot point when there are much bigger issues in the relationship and with yourself to handle. Of course its comforting to rank your looks higher than the lurid other woman’s, but does it really matter if she’s smashing your man too? Discover, celebrate, and revere other beautiful things about yourself other than infallible dime-pieceness, because pretty faces are all around us. If your value in a relationship is based on being eye candy, prepare to get eaten up in a world full of hungry eyes.

Teflon Dawn: Unbreakable

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Teflon is a non stick chemical that despite heat, withstands its integrity. During my personal process of becoming heat has burned treasured relationships into crisps of nothing, attempted to toast my state of mind, and overcooked the recipe of understanding, empathy, and support I formerly held in the highest esteem. I discovered many of the relationships I held in high regard were some people’s means to an end, or just affiliations others could use to advance themselves. I’ve been attacked, lied on, shut down, used, conveniently misunderstood, and yet the onslaught has not scorched my pride, my heart, or my spirit. In fact it has made it stronger.

 

As a writer, we have the task of observing and interpreting things on levels other people rarely experience. We seek what drives certain actions, behaviors, and thought processes. We want to know the whys and the hows. We are typically sensitive. My sensitivity has been both my saving grace and what people have chosen to damn me by. My vulnerability has fueled my curiosity and been the blade people closest to me have shoved into my back with the same hands they once embraced me with. However instead of distrusting people, I have learned to trust myself. I have learned to respect myself for the principles and perspective I have. The rosy colored contacts I chose to view people with are now off and have been replaced with the all assuring presence of my intuition, and the laser vision of a realist. I finally understand people can’t be taken at their word, nor do they always mean what they say even in times of what they think is honesty. Each word I ever chose to share with any living being can simply be reloaded as ammunition used to kill my pride, spirit, and understanding. Being made of teflon the shots slide off me eventually, but I always look at the shooter in shock that of all people it would be the ones I helped the most that would try to murder who I am. When I needed a hand up, people kicked me when I was down. This is when I understood I’d have to lean on a Greater understanding just to stand back up.

Everybody dies alone. Living does not have to be that way though. Despite our needs for love, companionship, and understanding, there is nothing like being your own best friend, your own family, and your own coach. Encourage yourself, empower yourself, and be your own cheerleader. Most of the people we look at to inspire us and understand us are not what we think they are at all. People lie to themselves so much and each mirror is clouded with so much smoke people can’t even see who they are anymore. But that doesn’t have to be my fate. My need for love, family, and friendship will not overcome the need of me loving and always being there for myself ever again. When the frying pan hits the fire, I am so grateful that the residue does not have to stay with me, and after the intense heat and pressure I am still whole.

 

…After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you’re wrong
‘Cause if it wasn’t for all that you tried to do
I wouldn’t know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you…

Fighter- Christina Aguilera 2002