Tag Archives: sexuality

Every Woman That I Know….

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Wants someone who is a great leader. A leader knows their role lies in the responsibility that their power allows them to have. A leader is a giver and is strong enough and kindhearted to walk anywhere without fear or shame. A leader is a listener, and when a leader speaks it is with knowledge and foresight.

Hip Hop’s Heart Throb @Nas and “Nasty”

 

 

 

 

 

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The Great Big Skinny Tweet….

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The Twitter world and the bloggers had a Rihanna smorgasbord as the notorious “starvation” tweet made its way around the internets. The roasting of Rihanna’s need to “starve” in order to look great for a photo shoot seemed to say that the singer was telling little girls that “starving” was the “RockStar” thing to do. Is Rihanna’s tweet a ringing endorsement of #teamanorexic or does it speak to the public’s unwavering desire for women to look a certain way to be considered hot or beautiful? Are the same people criticizing Rihanna for starving the same people that covet Coke bottle bodies and slim waistlines?

As a size 8, personally I have been called thick, overweight, and received words and looks of shock over my appearance. As if I didn’t know the size 4’s and 6’s were fitting snuggerly, friends, family, and random acquaintances have given me staunch reminders of my slimmer summers. Flames have reiterated to me all the sexual positions I could get thrown into, IF I was a just a little bit lighter. The glances in the mirror at the curves that songs like “Bootylicious” by Destiny’s Child had taught me to love were being replaced by fat grabbing examinations on my belly and thighs as I began to think, “maybe this jelly is a bit too bootylicious?”  A former vegan, and a current vegetarian, I swiftly removed all dairy from diet, and then fasted for about 20 days eating less than 500 calories per day and drinking gallons of water. After dropping 4 inches or so, I began to feel and think thin again, until I ran into a friend who couldn’t wait to tell me I was unrecognizable almost because I was so thick.

Yeah.. I made a face like this...

Some women have more pressure on them to be thin than Obama has to be diplomatic with Republicans and simultaneously please the left. We are supposed to love and embrace ourselves no matter what size we are, as the whole world makes you feel like Free Willy gasping for breath on washed up on the shore for putting on a few el bees. I wondered as I read all the tweets roasting Rihanna’s choice of words on the Twitta, how many of them had called a girl fat, or thick that day. I thought about all the girls that felt a kinship with Rihanna because of her honesty about the expectations that were upon her. I looked at pictures of Beyonce alongside comments about her cottage cheese belly and watched videos of Brtney Spears’ Femme Fatale tour with posters pointing out how fat Britney’s size 6 was. Knowing that sex symbols of the past Marilyn Monroe and Dorothy Dandridge floated between a size 10 and a 14, its unnerving knowing they would be modern day fat fodder like Kirstie Alley if this was their hey day.

Health and wellness should be a forefront in all of our minds, but life, stress, and age can change a woman’s metabolism. We all aspire to fit that ONE pair of jeans, rock the photoshoot out, and look in the mirror and feel good about what reflects back to us. Diet and exercise are essential, but a demanding or fast paced lifestyle often dictates our choice more than our knowledge does. But the nitpicking that tons of women endure often forces them to starve, and binge, and binge, and starve. Even as icon Janet Jackson sang about “Control” back in the 80’s she wrestled with her inner fat ass. In search of perfection, our bodies take our abuse, and our minds filter the critiques and our soul  endures. Rihanna simply tweeted what women all over the country do every single day in order to be the image their peers expect them to be. As convoluted as it is, their is much badassery in Rihanna telling the truth about what it feels like for a girl.  To all the Mrs. She’s Too Big, Now She’s Too Thins across the world the only person’s opinion that matters is YOURS.

Are You And Keri Hilson Trying Waaay Too Hard To Be Sexy?

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In order to overt the world from Rihanna’s cakes, Keri Hilson goes in snatch first on her new single “The Way You Love Me”. Reeking of laughable desperation, Miss Keri Baby licks doors and dry humps floors, gives The Chef Rick Ross a lapdance, as well as sings lyrics like “I got the kinda pussy that will keep you off the streets” in an  attempt to ooze womanly seduction. Perhaps she thought she was grabbing her sexuality by its reigns and whooping us into submission, but Keri really just looks kinda pathetic.

Less is more. It’s natural to want to highlight the come hither features we are blessed to possess. An all out flesh fest for every Tom, Dick, and Rick Ross makes you come across easier than the Soul Train Scramble Board. Wild and looseyness will definitely attract the boys eyes, but along with all the “good” attention received unwanted sexual advances will plague you like bad credit. Also, no one takes anybody this sleazy seriously. So blinded by trying to be an individual and wanting to be seen as unique, many GROWN women have resorted to heaux tactics just to be noticed amongst the plethora of beauties in the world. Drunk off pussy power, these women have begun to think raw sexuality defines who they are as a person. Firing off cum shots as a personal attribute misfires because instead of owning your sexuality, sexuality begins to own you. What you think comes across as an insatiable appetite appears to be a primal Amazonic neediness that onlookers will fantasize about hitting, then unceremoniously quitting. What good is it to be a fantasy when the fantasy only runs deep as the last stroke? Most guys don’t even view these girls as breakfast the morning after material. Balancing sensuality is difficult for women because most are unaware of the natural voodoo that is in our clutches already. It is highly unnecessary unless your occupation is in porn or exotic dance to give too much in order to be seen as a young Venus. The brew of aesthetics, the way we dress and walk, as well as talk for us lucky girls already cooks up a dish of hot to trot. Personality, drive, and class in a woman added to the mix is what truly makes a woman sexy and attractive.

We don’t have to look at Keri Hilson as the only breaker of this lady law. A quick cruise on Facebook will show pics that would make Lil Kim cringe. Josephine Baker is somewhere in Heaven peeling a banana from her skirt, scratching her head in dismay wondering why we never really got it. Sensuality is a venomous, peculiar art that is so deadly it can even kill she who possesses it. If you are not a heaux, why wear a heaux’s uniform? No one is saying be a nun, but really Keri you don’t have to try this hard.

Never Too Fine: You TOO Can Get Replaced

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If you are in a marriage or even a relationship, the chances of its failure are almost as sure as an Alaskan deer shootin’, abstinence in school preaching with pregnant teens at home hillbilly fame whore’s chances of winning the presidency of the United States (#pause).  Eva Longoria, (on the heels of Courtney Cox) is the latest celeb wife to find her husband’s fidelity is as false as the hair on her pretty little head. Message boards lit up with comments on how a man could ever cheat on a woman so beautiful, citing Janet Jackson and Halle Berry as fine stepped out on chicas with dufus dudes. The often too forgotten fact here is that beauty is only skin deep. Not to ever blame a woman for her husband’s double dipping, her looks only can’t be the honey that compels her mate to stick by her side.

Beautiful women come a dime a dozen. Short ones, tall ones, thick ones, and thin ones, in complexions of all colors with as many flavors as Baskin Robbins. The over emphasis on a female’s aesthetic appearance reinforces a faulty sense of security in relationships. Your beauty is often your mates ego boost, so choosing partners with shallowish tendencies can push you off the deep end in more ways than one. Men hate the length of time it takes to procure gorgeousness, as well as sneer at the prices it costs to maintain it. The scarves, rollers, tshirts and jogging pants night time garb makes your guy want to toss his cookies more than toss your salad. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. The most naive thing to think is that perpetrators  who dabble in affairs of the heart, body, and mind correlates with the physical attributes of their boos. Affairs and cheating are based on a lack of emotional understanding, intimacy, and/or trust in the solidarity of a relationship. Any cheater is acting out “is she really the one” when they choose to stick their straws in a foreign juice box. Cheating isn’t your relationship’s death sentence, but it surely reveals your bond needs urgent care. The bottom line is a truly devoted person would rather leave an orgy with Angelina Jolie, Megan Fox, and Meagan Good with a hard on to come home to you. Affairs aren’t always about sex, and cheaters often release their frustrations and bottled up resentment towards their women on a random or steady bust down. More or less, cheating is an expression of being unfullfilled, and unsure about a current relationship (or oneself), even if your mate doesn’t want to throw deuces to your union. To simply think because the mirror reflects a goddess doesn’t mean that your relationship is incapable of failing. Relationships, like anything else worth having require work, growth, and attention. Slipping on any of those points might have you hawking the diamond you once showed off to your single friends, some of whom can’t wait to slurp up sloppy seconds. Please do yourself a favor and be discerning on who you chose to dish deets about your boo to. Don’t be foolish enough to think your guy doesn’t sense the unquenchable thirst of these broads today. Even women in seemingly happy relationships are taking what they can get on the side. Remember, a lot of  people’s allegiance is to their animal instincts, not your wittle feelings.

If you are one of the millions that gets cheated on, it isn’t your fault. Don’t waste your time comparing your looks to your mate’s squeeze. Physical appearance is a moot point when there are much bigger issues in the relationship and with yourself to handle. Of course its comforting to rank your looks higher than the lurid other woman’s, but does it really matter if she’s smashing your man too? Discover, celebrate, and revere other beautiful things about yourself other than infallible dime-pieceness, because pretty faces are all around us. If your value in a relationship is based on being eye candy, prepare to get eaten up in a world full of hungry eyes.

What Happened To The Feminists In Music?

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…Hormones racin’ at the speed of light,

But that don’t mean it’s gonna be tonight

baby, baby….

Genie In A Bottle – Christina Aguilera, 1999

…I’m dancing alot and I’m taking shots I’m feeling fine

I’m kissing all the boys and the girls

Someone call the doctor cause I lost my mind…

Not Myself Tonight – Christina Aguilera 2010

At its basic definition, feminism represents equality and fair representation for women. Long fought battles in the 1960’s and 1970’s took women out of the kitchens and bedrooms and into the boardrooms of America, setting precedence for the rest of the World to follow. Women have always been portrayed as submissive and super horny in the media, and in music in particular. The 1980’s and 1990’s saw a wave women singing and rhyming about self-control and safe sex, while still maintaining undeniable party and radio friendly vibes. The stories they told were thought-provoking interpretations of a world that wanted to relegate them to the backseat instead of driver’s seat. Their strength was their convictions, and the added sexual element was the icing on the cake and not the batter from which the cake was made. Along the way, all that feminism was morphed into women somehow becoming mini men- hard liquor drinkin’, one night stand cruisin’ self serving righteous gluttonists. At its core feminism is the FREEDOM of being whatever you want to be, but the current state of music begs the question, what is it that women want to be?

Image is everything. Hip Hop music specifically, has maintained a love-hate relationship with female rappers. MC Lyte’s talent made her one of the boys and Queen Latifah’s non wavering Ladies First attitude made them both household names, even as platinum plaques eluded them. Salt N Pepa talked about sex, and TLC never left home without the Trojan man. Rappers like Yo Yo and Nicki D wrote narratives about how lacking self-control can put you into jams with careless punks. These women were always aware that their personal conduct had to be different from men because they were women. Da Brat’s platinum success was not so much based on a feminine stance, but because of undeniable skill. Women rappers began stealing the show from the men as Lil Kim, Missy ‘Misdemeanor’ Elliot, Foxy Brown, and Lauryn Hill routinely outshined the male counterparts they were paired with. These mid 90’s rappers were the golden era of women in hip hop, diversifying what the young female experience was about in even more profound detail. They were able to merge Salt N Pepa’s femininity with MC Lyte’s lyrical prowess into a hybrid of new female emcee. No matter the story told, it was absolutely female. Then blatant sexual overtones and carefreeness somehow began to overshadow the genre all together. Now it seems the only thing the female rapper has to offer is blow jobs for shots at the club.

Pop music used to be sprinkled with sexual innuendo, carefully blended with coy tongue in cheekness and hypnotic grooves. Janet Jackson, the underrated queen of pop music launched her Rhythm Nation in 1989, calling for unity, peace, and understanding. The ambitious record was Janet’s most commercially successful album, bringing topics like education, racism, and sexuality to the forefront. There was deliberate consciousness to confront ignorance and violence in Rhythm Nation 1814, the most fitting follow-up to the pro woman stance of her Control masterpiece. Madonna coupled her Like A Virgin antics with the pro-choice anthem Papa Don’t Preach, showing a more complete picture of what the modern woman’s life was really like.  Mariah Carey was then known for powerhouse singing instead of ass and titty bearing. The evolution of artists like Christina Aguilera went from sugary pop flirtations into full-blown dirty limericks. Christina’s signature song Beautiful, started a trend of female pop singers singing deeply personal records as Pink sang about abuse and depression. The trend the Beautiful started quickly evaporated, as Beyonce and Destiny’s Child were left as the sole bearers of feminine substance, singing about being independent women, not being Federlined in the hit Bills, Bills, Bills and embracing their curves with Bootylicious. Very few female artists could maintain visibility and talk about female issues on such a grand scale since the hey day of these artists, as once again the sexual overtones and blatant objectification ran all the positivity out of pop music. Classic tales like Unpretty and Waterfalls by TLC have been replaced with songs about kissing girls, Daisy Dukes and bikinis, and brushing your teeth with Jack Daniels. By the way, these songs were recorded by women.

It is a slippery slope to define women singing about sex as unfeminist. Women CONSTANTLY singing about sex is unfeminist. The current state of women in music is appalling as even talented women that sing about love like Corrine Bailey Rae can barely chart, let alone women who take on the subject matter of feminism. Women have allowed their place in music to be in the bedroom and the club instead of the minds and souls of their listeners. I can definitively say if I didn’t grow up in the 1990’s with TLC, Janet Jackson, Salt N Pepa, Lauryn Hill and many other female representers I would not be the woman I am today. Although these artists have integrated sex in their music, they have always exacted balance on what they represent. Will we look back on this era of female music as the exploitation era? I wonder what the culture of Ke$has, Mileys, Nickis, and Katys will breed in the young women of America. I hope they realize the world is watching.

History hidden from me
To hide my identity
So I’d never feel
I am somebody
You’ve gouged my eyes
I see more clearly
You’ve tried to rub me of my humanity
My spirit you tried to break
My soul you tried to take
There’s no need to be afraid
“Cause I won’t do unto you now
Amen
All that we’ve been through
Our time has come to rejoice
A new agenda’s due
Amen
It’s time to know the truth
Our time has come to rejoice
A new agenda’s due
Because of my gender
I’ve heard “no” too many times
Because of my race
I’ve heard “no” to many times
But with every “no” I grow in strength
That is why
African American women
I stand tall with pride
You want to know what it takes
To rid yourself of me now
There’s nothing you can do
Accept me for who I am now..

New Agenda – Janet Jackson From the Janet Album, 1993

Groupie Love???

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Who truly knows if pop star Nadja Benaissa was aware she was dropping off a package Fed Ex wouldn’t touch? Nadja, who sings in the girl pop band No Angels, was found guilty of spreading her pretty wings HIV to an ex boyfriend. Earlier this week, rapper Soulja Boy found himself caught up with notorious harlot Kat Stacks, known internet wide for her smashing of rappers when she videoed her visit to his hotel room and lines of the good stuff she claims he indulges in. After the image slaughter of Tiger Woods and the damage done to Jesse James’ s marriage, groupies got the fame and attention they crave, even at the highest price of their privacy and reputations. When liasons are based on celebrity status, it can truly be the end of your life as you know it.

Could You Tell This umm.. Face No??

There are nuns in monasteries that would bang David Beckham if they could, so imagine his personal assistant’s impossible task of not tootin’ it up for Becks. Rebecca Loos failed Mission Impossible admitting to an affair with Posh’s husband, taking the slut blame as David kicked around soccer balls and posed for pics with his gorgeous wife. You don’t have to eff a celeb to come to the epiphany that ain’t no future in yo’ screwin’ of a married man. Sure you can play-off yourself like Fantasia to get his attention, but very few women end up Gabby Union style with the man prize at the end of the rainbow. Accidental groupie-ism is still groupie-ism. Meeting a celeb in a place of business won’t decrease your chances of seeing the deuces once the shit hits the fan. Monica Lewinsky proudly served the President of the United States, and ended up a national punchline for years. Thank God she had her purse line instead of  Billy C’s d to fall back on. The thing that these women are most confused by is the “special” feeling they get from receiving high-profile tail attention. Just because he’s paying attention and nut busts to you doesn’t mean that you’re his only bust down option. Ask all the single ladies that were backin’ it up for Tiger. Lucky strategic smashers get money out of the deal in the end, but is money worth the pointing and stares that national sinfamy brings? Is it worth compromising what you’ve worked to become in your life?

A bad rep is small potatoes compared to AIDS and beatdowns that groupie-dom brings to life. After selling 5 million records with No Angels, Nadja Benaissa proved her band name correct. Instead of being a condom carrying friend of Trojan, she chose to ride the Bareback Mountain with at least one partner, who filed criminal charges on her ass. Maybe too starstruck, her partner did not insist on donning a condom- which almost makes him complicit if the stakes weren’t so high. Platinum tail or not, rubbers should be as mandatory as shirts and shoes entering the gas station are. Kat Stacks, who seems to be having a little fun at Soulja Boy’s expense dodges beatdowns like teenage girls dodge R Kelly.  Physically attacked on numerous occaisons, talk is the least of Kat’s worries.

Wives get all the sympathy, concern, and well wishes, leaving NONE for groupies. The Cinderella ending that all groupies wish for is a fairy tale only told by Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. Living down the public private times shared with a celeb might not ever happen, and will always leave a stain insert Monica’ Lewinsky’s infamous blue dress here on your image and self-esteem. You may become the character that everyone has made you out to be instead of who you once were, just another somebody looking for love. Don’t lean on your celeb tail for support, they’ve got careers to attend to. Maybe Dr. Drew will come calling to reform you though.

At Your Best — In Memory of Aaliyah

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The world will pause and a reflect, even for just a second to reminisce on Aaliyah Dana Haughton, the R&B songstress who was taken from us nine years ago today. Aaliyah, whose smooth grooves captivated and inspired us is always remembered as a graceful and humble woman, was on the cusp of becoming a break out star when tragedy struck on the shoot of the visually moving Rock The Boat video. We celebrate her memory and the impact she made in her short time on this Earth and in her memory contemplate the importance of our own legacies that we pass on to the next generation of young girls.

When her first hit single Back and Forth dropped in 1994, it shot up the charts and led her Age Ain’t Nothin But a Number album to multi platinum status. At 14, Aaliyah was praised for her Sade like yearning and soul far beyond her years. Her voice dripped with an aching, melodic echo that was a perfect blend with R. Kelly production. Part of Aaliyah’s mystic was her apparent enigmatic demeanor and cool unforced sensuality. Amid rumors of liaisons and a marriage with accused pedophile R. Kelly, Aaliyah’s approval with the public never really took a hit as she switched up to the futuristic pop funk team of Timbaland and Missy Elliott to produce her follow-up album One in A Million, which sold eight million records worldwide. On this album, Aaliyah mesmorized her audience showing off clean and polished dance routines in her videos and a cool confidence that would no longer be confused with being shy. Solidifying her as a formidable star and establishing Timbaland as a bona fide hit maker, Aaliyah parlayed her rapport with the public into movie roles and ad campaigns with Tommy Hilfiger. Before her untimely death, Aaliyah was already the sweetheart of R&B music.

Despite enduring a drama with R. Kelly that could have been a career killer, Aaliyah stayed in tune with her calling. Choosing not to bow to the depths of the gossip and speculation around her, Aaliyah proved that talent, ingenuity, and resolve would reign over smack talk. Her humble, angelic disposition left a resounding imprint on her fans, even as artists to come failed to duplicate this from Aaliyah’s arsenal. Ciara may have copied from Aaliyah’s blueprint, but we all could learn a thing or two about how being your One In A Million self and dusting yourself off to Try Again can open up a world of possibility and opportunity. Her gracious and grateful spirit will reign forever, as we will never forget who Aaliyah was, and in her memory today and always be At Your Best.

I Miss You- Aaliyah featuring Jay Z

Aaliyah’s Last Interview FOUR DAYS before her death

This Industry Was More Like A Different World
When It Was Just Me, Monica, And Baby Girl, Aaliyah
I Never Got To Tell You How Much You Mean
I Wish You and Me Both Were Sittin’ Here Working With Tim
Just To Be In The Presence Of The People That You Affected
At the Personal Level Just Makes Me Stop For A Second
[Breath]
You Were Such A Blessing
You Helped Me Answer All My Questions

Should I Go- Brandy-Brandy’s take on Aaliyah’s impact on her life.